Helping Children Cope with Bereavement and Loss
Talking to children about death
One of the most difficult things we have to do as adults is to talk to children about death. Whether we choose to do this, or face a situation in which we have to, it’s likely that death is something they already know something about. They may have noticed dead insects at home, may have lost a family pet or know another child that has. They may know about death from fairy tales, may have seen it in cartoons or noticed it being talked about on the news or by people around them. Many children know someone who died.
Why do adults find it difficult to talk to children about death?
Even though death is an everyday part of life, even as adults we can find it very difficult to talk about. There are a number of possible reasons for this.
Adults often avoid talking to children about things that may be upsetting, either for the child or for them.
Adults may be reluctant to show the child that they are upset.
Many find it difficult to talk about things which have no clear explanations or answers.
In some cultures, death is a taboo subject that is private, happens in isolation and is generally not open for discussion.
Should we talk to children about death?
Yes, when the time is right. They may have questions or worries that they’re reluctant to raise and there is lots of evidence that talking to a child about death can help them feel supported and secure. Contrary to the fear many adults have about upsetting children or saying the wrong thing, in fact when children see adults showing their emotions it can make them more willing to express their own.
The other thing to bear in mind when children have experienced bereavement of someone close to them is that if they are not told clearly and directly about the death, they may start to create their own narrative about what happened. They may believe they caused it, and feel guilty. They may think they might die too, and develop anxiety.
Be clear, be direct
What’s really important is that adults answer any questions the child asks without adding any additional detail or information. Explanations should be as clear as possible, delivered with clear, unambiguous language which is understandable for the child and at their level of development.
Sometimes, for the reasons above and with all good intentions, adults might refer to death using euphemisms rather than talking about it directly. Comments such as “he went to sleep” or “we lost him'' might be easier to say than “he died” but they can lead to confusion and other problems. For example, a young child who learns that a family member “went to sleep” might develop a sleep disorder for fear of dying, and a child who learns that someone was ‘lost’ might start to struggle with separation due to being frightened about getting lost too. Adults should avoid using euphemisms and use language that is familiar to the child. In order to know how best to talk to children about death, it is important to know how they may understand it based on their age and developmental level.
How children cope with the death of a significant person
Some children experience a life changing, traumatic and significant event when someone close to them, such as a parent or sibling, dies. Child Bereavement UK estimates that every day around 111 children under 18 are bereaved of a parent, while approximately 1 in 29 children, about one in each class, have been bereaved of a parent or sibling.
An abundance of research refers to the long term psychological impacts of the loss in childhood of a significant caregiver or sibling. Alongside this, many studies highlight that the risks can be reduced when communication is suited to a child’s age and developmental stage. In other words, talking to children about death in a way they can understand can help them to begin to process it in a healthy way.
If we are going to be able to do this, we need to know how to do so, taking into account the child’s age and developmental level.
Understanding of death by age and developmental level
In order to ascertain a child’s understanding of death, researchers tend to consider three specific aspects of the concept: irreversibility, non-functionality and universality. It is accepted that some children understand these concepts faster than others, that there is variation in how they are understood and in what order, and that a traumatic or life-changing experience such as the death of a parent or sibling can speed up a child’s understanding of death.
Irreversibility refers to the fact that once a body is dead, it can’t be alive again. Children under 3 don’t understand this and hold onto ‘magical thinking’ that dead things can come back to life with the help of water, food, medicine, or magic. They start to understand irreversibility at about the age of 4.
The concept of non-functionality is usually grasped later at the ages of between 5 and 7. Non-functionality refers to the fact that a dead body can no longer do things that a living body can do and before this is understood, children may ask questions about whether a dead person can eat, talk or move.
Arguably the most difficult aspect of death for both adults and children to comprehend, universality, begins to be understood at about 7 years old. This refers to the concept that every living thing dies. Before they grasp this, many children believe that there are certain groups of people who are protected from death, like teachers, parents, and themselves. Most children understand that some people die before they understand that they themselves will die and even when they do accept this, they tend to believe that they will die in the distant future when they are very old. You can find more detail about what children of different ages understand about death in this article by Child Bereavement UK
Here are eight top tips for talking to children about death, and helping them to grieve:
Be factual, truthful and use the word ‘death’. Avoid the use of euphemisms such as telling them that someone is asleep or is lost.
Present information in a way the child can understand. Be direct, using clear and unambiguous language which is at their level of understanding.
Be patient. Listen to the child without judgement. Keep the conversations brief so that they can take in what you are saying.
If someone has died, reassure them that it is not their fault. Give them comfort, love and support.
Acknowledge that the way they are grieving may differ from the way others grieve. There are many ways to grieve and there is no ‘correct’ way.
Prepare them and try to let them know what they can expect to happen next. As appropriate, involve them in planning and decision-making.
Show your emotions without frightening them. Seeing you cry gives them permission to do so but make sure this does not overwhelm them. The priority is to make sure they feel as safe and secure as possible.
Find resources to help. For example, there are many fiction and non-fiction books which can help children make sense of death. This article by Marie Curie UK contains a list of suggested books for and about grieving children. We recommend Silo’s Sadness, a story from Savanna Therapeutic Stories which aims to help children cope with grief and loss.
