Resilience in Difficult Times, and Always
What is resilience and why is it important?
I bet you’ll already know, either consciously or subconsciously, about the links between learning and success, but have you ever thought that learning is also all about failure? When you think about it, it’s actually pretty obvious that making mistakes is a key component of the learning process… understanding why something didn't work, thinking about what to do differently or better next time, developing the skills to get it right on the next attempt. This process of problem solving, which encourages being creative, learning with and from others and being critical, is vital to learning and builds the resilience needed to be successful in life. Without getting things wrong, we can’t develop the skills we need to get them right next time.
But even if failure is necessary, it doesn't make it easy to cope with either in terms of learning, or in real life. Some people seem able to ‘bounce back’ from setbacks more easily than others. They learn from problems rather than dwelling on them. These people have resilience, defined in the Oxford English Dictionary as “the ability of people or things to recover quickly after something unpleasant, such as shock, injury, etc.”
Without resilience we can't learn, whether taking our first steps, taking an examination or learning a new language. If we collapsed at every challenge or switched off whenever a problem arose, we would never learn anything.
As humans, we are born with a range of protective innate responses, such as holding out our hands to break a fall, or spitting out something that tastes bitter. We instinctively try to self-protect by fighting, fleeing or freezing when faced with danger. But other types of self-preservation must be learned. And if we want to learn the skills and strategies that will help us to cope and to succeed as adults, we must become comfortable with discomfort from an early age.
Learning ways of persevering when faced with challenges, and knowing how to bounce back after setbacks, are essential skills to have in one’s resilience toolkit. The real challenge is learning how to carry on even when things aren't looking great, and especially after we fail. Resilience requires practice, persistence, and a healthy dose of bravery.
Frustration, setbacks and rejections are part of everything we do to some degree. Fortunately, there are ways to teach coping skills, perseverance, and positivity when things get tough, and starting at a young age is key.
Resilience is a vital skill to learn young
There are ways to increase resilience at any age, but just as with any skill, the sooner the skill becomes embedded, the better. Resilient children become resilient adults who experience less stress and are more successful, as they are better equipped to cope with life’s pressures and bounce back from challenges. The best way to begin to develop resilience in our children is learning through play. Through play, children experience a range of emotions including frustration, determination, achievement, disappointment and confidence and through practice they can learn to manage these feelings (Sutton-Smith, 2003). They do this by developing resilience.
Here are 6 ways that play develops resilience in children:
Through emotional regulation. When they play, children learn to manage their feelings, for example their response to winning or losing games
Play helps children to feel positive by experiencing pleasure and enjoyment
They learn to understand their responses to stress and anxiety and ways to overcome them
When children play, they employ creativity and imagination
They develop life skills and attachments to others
Play enables children to develop their problem-solving skills
Avoiding Avoidance
For most of us, our instinctive and natural response is to shield our children from harm and painful experiences. We want them to have an easy life, without difficulty and hardship. However, as outlined in our blog on returning to life after Covid, by offering too much protection from adversity, we risk doing more harm than good. Madeline Levine comments that parenting styles which shield children from adversity and challenge will "set up circumstances that will nurture distress today and will exacerbate it tomorrow." In other words, by ensuring that our children avoid difficult situations when they are young, we are teaching them to avoid challenges as they age.
The good news is that there is much that we can do to teach resilience to our children, as well as to ourselves. The first step is simply being aware that shielding our children from harm and encouraging them to avoid difficulty, whether wittingly or unwittingly, can prevent them from becoming resilient. But here are some other things we can do.
Turn it around: 7 tips for parents to build a culture of resilience
Provide a secure, loving base and positive relationships. Listening to them lets them know they are important. Comforting them tells them they are not alone when things are going wrong. Reassuring them reminds them that they are loved, even when they make mistakes.
Encourage contentment and fulfillment. Find out what makes your child feel content and fulfilled. Look beyond academic success and encourage them to pursue activities that make them feel a sense of purpose and meaning.
Encourage them to face stress, rather than avoiding it. Not all stress is bad, challenges are an integral part of learning and successful outcomes. Give your child opportunities to face challenges so that they can engage in problem-solving and demonstrate tenacity.
Tap into strengths, both yours, and your child’s. What are your superpowers? Talk to your child about how you can both use them to overcome challenges.
Who is in the ‘fan club’? Reminding them of the people who are on their side (“I told Auntie Liz about how brave you were today. She’s so proud of you!”) encourages resilience. The more connections children have with people who are on their side, the better.
Show them how it's done. Children learn through imitating key people in their lives. We need to model resilience and positivity. Let them know that feeling a bit sad or disappointed about something is normal, but that things will be ok. Take responsibility for your feelings and actions by talking about mistakes you make, and what you’re going to do about them. Encourage them to look for the positives, perhaps by talking about the good things that happened that day.
Look after yourself! Invest in self-care. Being a parent isn’t easy but it helps when we feel safe and supported.
